I struggle with small waves of depression that come in and out every few months. As hard as I'm trying to fight it, the tide has risen. I recognize what I can't control, and I accept it. It's unbearably frustrating that this is happening on the most incredible climbing trip ever.
I now dread when it's my turn to lead, but still enjoy it when I do. Normally I am begging for every pitch.
I'm mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been, and force myself to go climbing day after day so I don't lose what I've worked so hard to gain. I've got plans to climb lower and higher cathedral spire with this australian guy Juliani. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know it's something I need to do.
I am still psyched on NIAD (nose in a day) and climbing salathe on el cap. Maybe getting on a wall will help. I hope so.
I've climbed through this crux before, and I'll do it again; but this time I know it will be harder.