Thursday, November 18, 2010

Relief and Sustain

I just went and got my second blood test today. I'm praying that they find something wrong. It seems like that would be an easy fix. The first test didn't reveal anything, but they are going to test my thyroid level again because of my lack of energy. I'm constantly exhausted. Constantly depressed, anxious, and stressed.

On the bright side, fall break starts tomorrow, and I'm leaving for indian creek after class.
I love the simplicity. Eat, sleep, climb. No schedule, no rules, no worrying (sort of.. that never really stops).
Over break I'm going to try and gain some control over my anxiety, and relax.

I'm realizing that I'm not like everyone else.. no matter how hard I try. I want so bad to be able to handle the stress of school. I want to take really hard classes, and be able to study really hard. I want to be normal. I don't want to be depressed, and I hate worrying so much about life.
I realize that I've been given this brain, and this body. I need to learn how to control it to its full potential.
This mental struggle has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. The persistent nagging  that grinds day after day in my head is unexplainable.

After working my ass off in school. My latest physics test result.. 38%. What the fuck is that?
I'm slowly realizing that what's going on with my isn't completely my fault. It's not because I think I'm really lazy. It's not because I don't try hard enough. It's not because I don't care about school enough to do better.

Yeah, I know I'll 'get better'. Yeah, I know this 'won't last forever'. It's hard to see it though. It's hard to believe it, while I'm in the middle everything.

I will get through this.

I'm sorry about all of the depressing posts. This is my life, and my struggle. I still censor some of the things I say, but I'm trying to keep my writing as close as possible to document an accurate picture of my life. 

1 comment: