Shhhh.

The more stress I have, the less I climb. This creates more stress, and causes me not to climb at all. This constant struggle is exhausting.
I made myself go solo the first flatiron yesterday. I felt good for part of it. Then everything came flooding in again. I feel like I'm drowning in my own anxiety.
I broke down last night. It was terrible. All I could do is hide in the comfort of my room. Blast the music that helps my head shut off a little bit.
I feel weak, pathetic.

I try to stay positive. Hoping that something will help me get out of this. I'm not giving up, but I'm nearly... hopeless. 

Temperature falling, motivation rising

My latest interest, country club crack. A 5.11c splitter with cruxes at the very beginning and end. The actual 11c crux is the 3 bolts that protects the greasy slab right off the deck. This is HARD. I feel like I'm a pretty solid on slab and sport, but this thing is full value. 

Not getting distracted by the graffiti, and full of beta for the first moves, I got it first try (this wasn't my onsight attempt). I had tried the beginning a week prior and couldn't even get to the second bolt. I think this would be an extremely hard onsight because of how weird the moves are and specific the beta is.

I felt super solid and focused the all the way up until the last crux. I'm so psyched about this, I've been climbing like shit for months, finally starting to get my head back. I got pumped, scared, and lost focus. I insisted on placing a piece of gear one foot above my last solid #2 camalot. The large amount of rope drag from linking the two pitches drained my remaining energy trying to clip my piece. I yelled down to take. Mad at myself. It's ok. 

I think I can get it next time. That time might have been this past friday, but upon getting to the base of the route, unpacking all of my gear, I left my harness at home. Bummer. 

Colin's excellent photography. I think this picture is cool. 

A local bouldering gym, the spot, hosts a few climbing competitions. Psychedelia is one of them. I'm really not into bouldering or competing for that matter. That set aside, this was sick! 

I signed up for mens intermediate. I climbed a few routes, then switched over to trying the advanced routes. I flashed the 5 hardest routes in the advanced section, including one open route. No falls.  'Open' is the hardest category in the comp.

It's funny. The perception that I have of myself doesn't line up with my performance as a climber. I tell myself (and still think) I'm bad at bouldering, so I won't do well in the comp. I don't view myself as a good trad climber, and it inhibits me from being able to climb certain things. The diamond was one of them.

I'm trying to work through my unusually low self esteem. Logically it doesn't make any sense, but mentally something just isn't working. 

Everything is either painted with neon black light paint or tape. It was soo sick! It was a little difficult getting used to climbing in the dark, especially because I don't wear my glasses when I climb. I got used to it, and didn't notice after a little while.

OUT!

The Creek

Realizing that my crack addiction has been acting up, I got my priorities in order. Skipped class friday so I could spend 3 days climbing in the creek. The school had given the alpine club some money for 'travel expenses' so no one had to pay for gas. My entire weekend cost about $20 (which included eating out, twice). 

I've been unmotivated to write on my blog so this probably won't be very long

I love going on trips with the alpine club. Hanging out with my great friends doing what I love most brings more joy than I can explain. 

Ryder and I, chillin. 

Kurt (aka Bubbles) on fingers in a light socket (5.11d)

Me on way rambo (5.12a). Almost pulled it. Psyched that Colin got the send, and that I'm finally getting the hang of crack climbing. 

Way Rambo, in the ring lock section.

We ended the trip with some speed climbing on super crack. This was cool. The first time I went to the creek with my friend Scott Bennett, this was my second crack climb ever, took me about 20 minutes. Seriously, not exaggerating. 

I'll admit, crack climbing did not come naturally for me.. at all. Even spending my summer in yosemite, I still didn't feel solid! This was the first time that I actually felt fluid and confident. I'm slowly getting my head back into climbing. It's hard, climbing like shit, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm still being grasped by my depression, but I'm learning slowly how to deal with it. I wouldn't say that it's getting better, it's just changing.