The Send. The Pigs.

Starting to feel a little better. Still really hard.

I sent Outer Space (5.10c R) in eldo a few days ago. I haven't led it before, and have wanted to for a long time. I just haven't been psyched. It's not technically an onsight because I followed the route two years ago, but it is to me because I didn't remember any of it.

I bootied a nut and my first cam! A decent red c3, sweet. On the downside, my friend Alex dropped one of my slings, and left a nut (which was super easy to get out). Sorry Alex, you just need a little practice cleaning gear, you owe me though.

I felt pretty good on the route, a little shaky getting into the dihedral, but solid.
I'm starting to get my lead head back, not being super scared, the anxiety is getting a little better.

When I topped out, I felt better than I have in months, it was great. Climbing this route gave me a little break from everything that's going on with me..

After a great day of climbing, the night didn't end too well. I had work painting with my dad planned early the next morning, so I wasn't going to go out and party. My friends convinced me to come out with them and I wasn't going to stay out late.

I stepped out of the loud apartment with my beer, and was first to witness the cops. The pigs instructed everyone to leave. As I left, they singled me out. I'm sure my big glasses and red shirt didn't help. When they knocked on the door they heard someone say 'the cops are here, don't open the door.' Assuming it was me.. wow.. I got a possession ticket, for ONE beer. It could have been avoided if the door was opened right away for the cops.

The cop asked how much I had to drink, I felt stupid because I knew he didn't believe me.
I realize that it is illegal, because I am not 21. But seriously.. out of everyone.. me?

Kill the Wasp.

My head constantly races at a thousand miles an hour, never giving me a break. It's mentally and physically draining. Sometimes i wonder why my mind and sanity can't get along. 

I feel like I have holes in my eyelids and can’t sleep. This is another restless night. I'm completely aware of the irrational thoughts that incessantly flood my head, yet still somehow believe them.  

I'm in my own mental hell. 

Am I yelling down to take and lower? Or am I putting in a piece of protection that will save my mind and life. I feel pathetic for having to do this. I feel weak, and not strong enough to handle life on my own. 

Bottles of prescriptions to be normal, I hate this.

I know I will walk out of this stronger for life. 

The Barb, Spearhead, RMNP

After bailing on Colin's idea of pervertical sanctuary on the diamond, I finally agreed to climb in the park. I was (mostly) psyched! 

*Colin attempted pervertical two days in a row and I'm got pretty damn close to sending

2 a.m. saturday morning I get a call from Colin or Will (I can't remember) to make sure that I was up and ready to go. Because of long approaches and high risks of storms, you have to get an alpine start and get hiking early. We started the 5 mile approach around 3 a.m. This would double the amount of hiking I've ever done in a day haha. The most I had ever done was 4 miles. I just don't like hiking. It feels sort of like homework. 

The hike went easily. I sort of went into zombie mode because I was so tired and zoned out for most of it. We got there before the sun hit the rock. We had to wait around for over an hour for the sun to come up because it was too cold too climb. Will and Colin spooned, I sheepishly denied and did jumping jacks and pull ups instead. 

We were climbing as a party of 3, will has a set of double ropes so the second and third climber easily climbed simultaneously while the leader belayed with an atc guide. I've never really climbed as a party of three, it inspired more jokes and belaying wasn't as lonely. I think it would be really fun to do a big wall with 3 people. I think it would be a nice dynamic. Especially if it was Colin, Will, and I. Colin and I already climb very well together. Will has never done any wall stuff, but because of his guiding and overall climbing experience I he would do very well. 

Colin quickly leading

Will on the summit

Wow, what an incredible climb. Virgin alpine granite. The climbing wasn't too difficult, 5.10b or c I think. The slabby crux held me up a little bit. I was wearing my big comfy shoes and that didn't help. 

This place is insanely beautiful. Black lake offered a few really cool bivy spots. Backpacking up there would be awesome. 

I am still in the mental struggle that I have been dealing with since I got back from the valley. My confidence is still gone, I'm extremely timid, and just not psyched. I only led one out of the 7 or 8 pitches. It was an easy one that got us on the summit. I'm mad at myself for not wanting to lead the harder stuff. The other two guys were psyched, so they got to do it.

Along with missing out on climbing the diamond, Will and Colin went to the black canyon and sent the scenic cruise. I was asked to go also, but I just wasn't psyched. I'm so bummed about it :/

I'm making small steps towards getting better. They may seem insignificant, but at this point, everything good that happens is a big deal to me. I soloed the first flatiron and kept a good head the whole time. I lead werk supp (5.9+) and the first pitch of tagger (5.9+) in eldo the other day and felt pretty alright.
I have also started seeing a psych. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. This has been the biggest struggle I have experienced.

Tomorrow, I will try and feel better than I did today.