Monday, September 27, 2010

The Send. The Pigs.

Starting to feel a little better. Still really hard.

I sent Outer Space (5.10c R) in eldo a few days ago. I haven't led it before, and have wanted to for a long time. I just haven't been psyched. It's not technically an onsight because I followed the route two years ago, but it is to me because I didn't remember any of it.


I bootied a nut and my first cam! A decent red c3, sweet. On the downside, my friend Alex dropped one of my slings, and left a nut (which was super easy to get out). Sorry Alex, you just need a little practice cleaning gear, you owe me though.

I felt pretty good on the route, a little shaky getting into the dihedral, but solid.
I'm starting to get my lead head back, not being super scared, the anxiety is getting a little better.

When I topped out, I felt better than I have in months, it was great. Climbing this route gave me a little break from everything that's going on with me..

After a great day of climbing, the night didn't end too well. I had work painting with my dad planned early the next morning, so I wasn't going to go out and party. My friends convinced me to come out with them and I wasn't going to stay out late.

I stepped out of the loud apartment with my beer, and was first to witness the cops. The pigs instructed everyone to leave. As I left, they singled me out. I'm sure my big glasses and red shirt didn't help. When they knocked on the door they heard someone say 'the cops are here, don't open the door.' Assuming it was me.. wow.. I got a possession ticket, for ONE beer. It could have been avoided if the door was opened right away for the cops.


The cop asked how much I had to drink, I felt stupid because I knew he didn't believe me.
I realize that it is illegal, because I am not 21. But seriously.. out of everyone.. me?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Kill the Wasp.

My head constantly races at a thousand miles an hour, never giving me a break. It's mentally and physically draining. Sometimes i wonder why my mind and sanity can't get along. 

I feel like I have holes in my eyelids and can’t sleep. This is another restless night. I'm completely aware of the irrational thoughts that incessantly flood my head, yet still somehow believe them.  
I'm in my own mental hell. 

Am I yelling down to take and lower? Or am I putting in a piece of protection that will save my mind and life. I feel pathetic for having to do this. I feel weak, and not strong enough to handle life on my own. 
Bottles of prescriptions to be normal, I hate this.

I know I will walk out of this stronger for life. 


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Barb, Spearhead, RMNP

After bailing on Colin's idea of pervertical sanctuary on the diamond, I finally agreed to climb in the park. I was (mostly) psyched! 
*Colin attempted pervertical two days in a row and I'm got pretty damn close to sending

2 a.m. saturday morning I get a call from Colin or Will (I can't remember) to make sure that I was up and ready to go. Because of long approaches and high risks of storms, you have to get an alpine start and get hiking early. We started the 5 mile approach around 3 a.m. This would double the amount of hiking I've ever done in a day haha. The most I had ever done was 4 miles. I just don't like hiking. It feels sort of like homework. 


The hike went easily. I sort of went into zombie mode because I was so tired and zoned out for most of it. We got there before the sun hit the rock. We had to wait around for over an hour for the sun to come up because it was too cold too climb. Will and Colin spooned, I sheepishly denied and did jumping jacks and pull ups instead. 

We were climbing as a party of 3, will has a set of double ropes so the second and third climber easily climbed simultaneously while the leader belayed with an atc guide. I've never really climbed as a party of three, it inspired more jokes and belaying wasn't as lonely. I think it would be really fun to do a big wall with 3 people. I think it would be a nice dynamic. Especially if it was Colin, Will, and I. Colin and I already climb very well together. Will has never done any wall stuff, but because of his guiding and overall climbing experience I he would do very well. 


Colin quickly leading


Will on the summit


Wow, what an incredible climb. Virgin alpine granite. The climbing wasn't too difficult, 5.10b or c I think. The slabby crux held me up a little bit. I was wearing my big comfy shoes and that didn't help. 



This place is insanely beautiful. Black lake offered a few really cool bivy spots. Backpacking up there would be awesome. 



I am still in the mental struggle that I have been dealing with since I got back from the valley. My confidence is still gone, I'm extremely timid, and just not psyched. I only led one out of the 7 or 8 pitches. It was an easy one that got us on the summit. I'm mad at myself for not wanting to lead the harder stuff. The other two guys were psyched, so they got to do it.

Along with missing out on climbing the diamond, Will and Colin went to the black canyon and sent the scenic cruise. I was asked to go also, but I just wasn't psyched. I'm so bummed about it :/

I'm making small steps towards getting better. They may seem insignificant, but at this point, everything good that happens is a big deal to me. I soloed the first flatiron and kept a good head the whole time. I lead werk supp (5.9+) and the first pitch of tagger (5.9+) in eldo the other day and felt pretty alright.
I have also started seeing a psych. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. This has been the biggest struggle I have experienced.

Tomorrow, I will try and feel better than I did today.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A tough summit..

I have fallen in love with the freedom that I experience through the rocks I climb.
As I stumble deeper into my depression and anxiety, some of my most joyful thoughts are of the intense freedom of climbing walls. The days I spent climbing el cap, and the hours I spent day dreaming walking around the base of el cap.

I'm trying to figure out how to get through all of this. It's drastically effecting my climbing. That's not what is important to me right now though.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer. 
Well it feels pretty soft to me. 
And if it takes shit to make bliss, 
then I feel pretty blissfully. 


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again. 



The View - Modest Mouse


Maybe someday I'll be able to explain what I go through when I climb. It has never been about getting to the top, it's about how I'm changed getting there. 



Monday, August 16, 2010

Boulder Baby

Moving out of my parents house back to boulder for my second year of school. 

These rocks are now in my backyard again. I'm thinking I'm going to do a solo link up of all 5 flatirons. That means I will have onsight soloed 4 out of 5 of them. I've only done the first 3 so far. I climbed the third by myself for my first time the day after christmas a year and a half ago. I was terribly off route, frozen cold, and scared myself pretty bad. 

None of them are very hard, the hardest being 5.6 or 5.7. I've soloed the first flatiron over 20 times. It's one of my favorite climbs ever. 1000 feet of greatness, looking over the entire world. 


P.S. training for next summer in yosemite starts now

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Memorable words.

Here is a recent short collection of things I've heard or read..

I don't train hard, I get drunk a lot.
Crazy John
(* he said this after team freeing free ryder on el cap)

I think Camels are the future.
Amit
(* we gave Amit shit because he was from israel, I guess they still actually use camels as transportation hahaha)


You may love the captain, but the captain doesn't give a shit about you.
Tom Evans
(*  Tom was talking to Alex Honnold on the bridge about when Ueli Steck took a huge fall on their speed ascent of the nose)


Once I ate fish and chips there times in one day.
British Mark
(* this guy was full of funny things to say, he said this the day after he got off mescalito on el cap using homemade portaledges) 

It's the most epic part of your life so far, make it count. Remember that you love approaches, love descents, love hauling, and love being hungry, tired and scared. 
Colin
(* He commented this on one of my blog posts when I was talking about being unmotivated. A pretty good testament to wall climbing)


It's the most epic part of your life so far, make it count.

Remember that you love approaches, love descents, love hauling, and love being hungry, tired and scared.



P: If you die we split your gear.
M: If I die, burry me with my gear... I hear there's brimstone in hell.

Big wall climbing consisted of hours and hours of boredom interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
Warren Harding

In his amazing account of life in Auschwitz "Man's Search for Meaning", Viktor Frankl describes finding purpose in life only after being stripped of everything and facing death daily. 
Gringo Nightmare



Sunday, August 1, 2010

A lesson harder than stone..

So to get psyched on climbing again, it only makes sense to climb the tallest object that I can think of. 
In this case: 500 foot radio tower. 

I packed my harness, two slings, and two locking biners into my pack and drove out to parker, the next town over from me. I waited until it got dark enough so I could duck into the shadows and climb this thing in stealth mode. 




After hopping one barbed wire fence, I got to the second and final obstacle. This sign was posted on the outside of it. I figured that they said it was dangerous just to scare people off. I hopped the 10ft. fence, heel hooking to mantle on top of it, of coarse, and I was in. 

Once I got next to the base of the tower, I heard a buzzing sound. I decided to lightly touch the metal supporting beam to make sure it wasn't electrified.  ZZAPP!!!!!! 
Sparks flew, and I could instantly smell my burnt hair and skin on my hand. I got the hell out of there as quick as I could. I had set an alarm off in the process of zapping the shit out of my hand. 


The backs of my fingers immediately began to blister, along with feeling like they were on fire. This picture was taken a few days after it happened. 

Yeah, yeah, I know... one of the stupidest thing's I have done so far. Hey.... at least I'm not trying to get high in new ways with drugs, only by climbing things. 

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I feel it..

It's slowly coming ok?? Just chill out, I'll be back before you know it.

This is me talking to.. whoever actually reads this thing....

(and myself)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Dead desire.

Yea ok so.. I'm burnt out. I'm going to take a couple weeks off of climbing. Yea, this sucks. No mountain project, no campus board training, big wall diagrams, no girls (psyche!). I don't know what else to do to besides stepping back.. I have been trying to push through my lack of motivation, running laps top rope soloing, training on my campus board, endurance training.. It's not working. I'm very worried about loosing what I have gained this summer by not climbing. I've realized that you can't really 'loose' experience. Being psyched and determined has more power than the muscle I have..

My desire is dead, or hopefully just dormant.

I'm actually into other things also, not just climbing. I'm going to start playing/writing music with my brother Jordan more. I really miss it. Hopefully a sweet fixie will pop up on craig's list also so I can start riding again (I just sold mine, it was a little too small).




OUT!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Back in CO

It feels good to be back. Not quite as good as waking up every morning in the ditch, but still great. My first day climbing in CO was spent at the little eiger in clear creek canyon, Golden. They call that rock 'granite'. Sort of a joke.. when compared to what I have been living on. My first sport climbing in 6 months (okay maybe not that long). I still have my trad head on.. and really REALLY don't want to fall.. even though my last bolt is at my waist, the bolt before that is at my knees, and the bolt before that is at my feet. It was nice to spend a day climbing something that wasn't so serious.. we could retreat back to the car on a moments notice. 

The next day we went climbing at this place called Ra, in empire. I went with Mike, Chris, and two other ladies.. I don't remember their names. Chris and I had planned on climbing this 4 pitch 5.12b called windows of the world, or WOW. 

I'm still hung over from the exposure, the height, the scariness, the seriousness, the.... whatever.. I'm just not recovered mentally. So I let Chris lead every pitch. I followed every pitch, and was scared... yea.. I wasn't even leading and I was scared. That's how I know I'm not back to normal. He hung and yarded on every single shiny bolt. I got up the first 3 pitches without pulling on any draws, and only falling a few times. I had the most trouble on the 12b second pitch, I couldn't figure out one of the moves and fell several times. When we got to pitch 4 I was a baby and pulled on the second and third draw.... I'm mad at myself for doing that. 


Chris and I on WOW


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Reality

Posting my honest feelings is difficult for me. This is my journey, and I'm documenting my experiences.

I have slightly been struggling with coming back into reality. Some people have no problem with this, but for some reason I do. I have never felt like I have had to try this hard to talk to people. The other night I had a legitimate anxiety attack. That has never happened to me before. It was absolutely horrible, it lasted about an hour. I was helpless, and felt like my chest was caving in.


Hazy Malibu on my way out. Sorry I didn't get any better pictures that capture the beauty of the ocean.



Triple digits scorched me all the way from death valley, through nevada, until I got into utah. I watched my engine temperature gauge like a hawk, making sure my old jeep didn't overheat.

I'm home now, but still long for the exhausted and scared feeling that I came to know in yosemite. I left malibu yesterday and drove 1070 miles only stopping for gas. I left at 11am and got home at 2:30am. I was planning on pulling off to the side of the road somewhere in utah to sleep, but never really got tired. The last 100 miles were brutal but I made it.

It saddens me to think about how I'm going to have to wait an entire year to go back to yosemite. Next summer I will be ready to send much, much harder.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Leaving something to dream about.

Every single day my mental tick list of walls that I want to climb gets longer and longer. My motivation is getting lower and lower. The temperature is getting hotter and hotter.
I feel like I'm at the point where I'm making myself climb. It's not something I should push. I'm listening to myself now, I'm going to save some of my aspirations for next summer.
I think I'm going to leave for malibu and stay with my friend Brando. I miss my family and friends more than ever. I'm really excited to get back home. Even though my hometown cliffs seem insignificant compared to the rocks that tower over me here, I miss those also. No matter what I climb, nothing can replace the feeling of when it all started on the conglomerate rock of castlewood canyon.
I am going to miss the level of commitment here. Bailing on some of the routes would be a nightmare, so it's easier up than down. I like that kind of thing.
I'm satisfied with what I have accomplished so far. I've climbed 5 big walls and soloed two of them. I can now onsight most 5.10d climbs. Unless it's offwidth.. I can only climb 5.9. I have gotten pretty good at placing gear also. I'm pretty solid with aiding C2. Talk all the shit you want about aid climbing, it will make you way better at placing gear while free climbing. I don't know though.. I just feel like aiding is a dangerous puzzle that you have to figure out, it's cool.
Good bye beautiful, beautiful valley.






One last picture.. This is the bottom of my shoe, each one of those circles is less than a centimeter in diameter.



Monday, June 21, 2010

West Face, Leaning Tower, SOLO


6:20am my alarm went off. Still hung over from the other walls that I had just climbed, I dragged myself out of my sleeping bag. I had planned and packed the night before, but I didn't want to climb, especially not solo. I decided ok, I'll make some breakfast and see how I feel. I didn't feel like doing it. Ok, I'll drive to the parking lot and see how I feel, I still didn't feel like doing it. Ok, I'll just hike to the base and see how I feel. I finally decided... well I'm already here, I might as well climb this thing.

This was my first grade V solo in a push, and second solo ever. It's a bit harder than washington column, and it's rated at C2. It took me 14 hours car to car, about 10-11 hours to climb it. Most people do this with a partner, take two full days, and sleep half way up. Nervous.. I didn't know how to get to the base of the route, and I didn't know how to get off. I was also only going to bring one rope.. which meant I couldn't bail. Bringing two ropes would mean that I would have to bring the only other rope I had, a really fat, heavy static line. So I figured that I would have the best chance of making it to the top in a day if I went light. I also didn't bring my camera for that reason. I was worried about wasting any time, and did NOT want to get stuck on the wall over night. It's not like normal climbing where you kind of wait around when you're belaying. When solo climbing, if you're not leading or cleaning, you're wasting time. So sorry everyone.. no pictures or videos. 

This climb is 11 pitches, you can link every one of them and end up with 5 looong pitches. As I got to the base of the tower, I started up the 3rd and 4th class section to get to the base of the route. This was probably the scariest most insecure part of the whole climb. I felt like I was soloing 5.5 moves with a 400 foot drop right below me.... which is exactly what I had to do. It made it even more difficult because I had my full rack, rope, and pack full of water. 

The first and second pitch are all bolts, so it was a good warm up. I cruised up them no problem, and into the rhythm of soloing. It's kind of annoying because of how close the bolts are. There so close I only had to be in the second step of my aider, yet couldn't skip any because that was too far. This thing is steep!!! They really don't call it the leaning tower for nothing. The third pitch was that hardest pitch for me, I had to do two hook moves in a row a few times, and that was definitely scary for me. For aid climbing, sometimes when you can't put any gear into a crack, you can either use a cam hook, or a hook. It's not like placing a cam or nut, where you can see exactly how it fits into the crack. I still probably don't have the experience with this whole aid climbing thing to feel good about placing these. 


Cam hook: you place this in a crack, usually sideways, and when you put your weight on it the torque keeps it from popping out.. hopefully. You use this usually when you can't get a nut or cam to fit in the crack. As you stand on it you can see the thing bend and flex. 



Talon hook: there are 3 different sizes on this thing. It's pretty sweet. You normally place it straight down on a small edge, or drilled hole. 

Cliff hanger hook: same idea as the talon, it is a little bigger so it can hook around bigger sections of rock. 

So I placed the talon for the second time (it was brand new), when absolutely nothing else would fit, and then I dropped it when I was unclipping my daisy chain. I watched it free fall past the steep rock, and was scared because it was an essential piece of gear. Mad at myself, I continued on, knowing that I'd be able to figure it out. 

I got to the ahwanee ledge without much problem, and then started up the traverse. It was difficult, but after the short section of C2, most of the gear was fixed. I kept moving quickly, and was done with pitch 6 by the time the sun hit me. It's west facing, so it doesn't get into the sun until the afternoon. When the sun started beating on me, I definitely slowed down but kept moving. Before I knew it, I only had one more long pitch to go. The end of it was supposed to be C2, but I enjoyed all the fixed gear left behind and it was super easy, besides the fact that it was very steep. There I sat, one move from the top, and I couldn't figure out how to get on top of the bivy ledge. I sat there a few minutes and then had to make a difficult free move without any good holds for my hands or feet. You can see where there is a small shallow drilled hole to aid through the move. If I still had my talon hook it probably would have worked but I didn't have it anyway. 

On the last pitch when I was rapping down to clean, I stopped four different times to clove hitch the rope off so that my rope wouldn't get sawed through when I jugged up. You sort of bounce when you're jugging, and you're rope really can get sawed in half by sharp edges..scary. Tying the clove hitches at certain points doesn't allow the rope to bounce up and down.... sorry if that doesn't make sense.. I'm having trouble explaining it. If you are interested I could show you. I jugged up the last few feet of the technical part, and free soloed to the summit. 

I was nervous about the descent, you need two ropes to rap most of it. I climbed as fast as I could so that I would reach the summit with some sunlight left. I got to the top with about an hour left of light. Thankfully, it was really low angle so I could just carefully down climb most of it. I rapped the really steep stuff. If you are carrying a haul bag, you NEED two ropes. There is no way you could down climb  with a pig on your back.. maybe if you're superman. Usually you think getting to the top you yell that you conquered something. You actually have to summit twice when you solo, and when I got to the top the climb wasn't over. I still had to get down. When I got to the ground is when I had sent the route.

I rocked my ipod most of the time while I was climbing. I have never climbed with it before, but it was really awesome. It made me concentrate really well, and I stayed in super lead mode the whole time. I downloaded the new modest mouse cd a few months ago and didn't like it initially. The night before I blasted off, I found out that it was a sick cd! I listed to it 3 times while I climbed.. that's how good it is. I also listened to mew and deadmau5. Techno is good for jugging haha. Occasionally I would take one of my headphones out to listen to how the cams (usually offset) sounded. If it was a placement that was a really far reach sometimes I couldn't see it that well and would make sure that it didn't make any popping sounds when I weighted it. Also when I would bounce test anything.. the popping sounds usually wasn't a good sign that it was a solid placement. Sometimes it was good though, the cam was just setting. 

This was the steepest thing I had ever climbed. Cleaning the route when I rapped down (taking out all the gear that I placed in the rock) was very difficult on every pitch. I would have to pull myself into the wall at every piece to take it out, then take a big swing, repeat until i got to the anchor. Does anyone know how to make this easier?????? Then jugging back up the rope was hard the entire time. Every pitch was somewhat overhung, so I would be jugging in free space. It is much more strenuous compared to when the wall is vertical or slightly low angle. 

I tried to get into the rhythm so that I wouldn't waste any time at the transition between leading and cleaning. 
When I would get to an anchor, this is what I would do:

Put my daisies into the anchor, take the rack off
Set up anchor with double length sling, putting end of rope at power point
Rappel (using gri gri) and clean the pitch I just led
Clean bottom anchor, put backpack on
Swing way out because it's so overhung, and jug back up the rope (get scared)
Get to anchor, take backpack off
Flake rope into sling (CAREFULLY) or on ledge
Put myself back on belay
Put on rack, re-rack all the gear I had cleaned
Lead the next pitch (get scared)
Repeat...

I'm still getting used to this whole soloing thing, and this is the system I use because I don't know any other way. If anyone has any tips let me know. It was really awesome soloing this route because I felt like I knew what I was doing the whole time, and was never confused about what to do next. My rope never got caught on anything, and everything went smoothly. This was the first time I felt very confident soloing, and wasn't worried about my system. I learn more tricks every time I solo. I also finally figured out how to avoid my daisy chains from getting twisted while leading. I went an entire pitch without having to unravel them! 

The rack: 
2 sets camalots .4-3 (only one #3) 
black to red alien
blue to red offset alien
1-3 TCU's 
1 set BD stoppers
4 DMM offset brass nuts (smaller ones)
16 quickdraws (6 alpine, 10 normal)
6 locking biners
4 non locking biners
2 double length slings
gri gri
petzl ascenders
atc guide
talon hook, cliff hanger, medium cam hook
yates shield harness
metolius gear sling (the one with loops)
1 60 meter rope 

notes:
did not use TCU's
perfect rack of camalots
placed 5 nuts maybe... only one offset
need more quickdraws
clipped TONS of fixed gear

The fuel:
2.5 liters of water
2 king size snickers
1 clif builder's bar

The gear beta said to bring a rack to #5 camalot.. well I only have a #3 so that's what I brought. You definitely didn't need a 4 or 5. I back cleaned a ton, and clipped the fixed gear for protection. I'm always scared of running out of gear.

Sorry this post was so long. I've got all this stuff running through my head and didn't want to forget it. The whole soloing thing has been a really big learning curve. 

I did as much work if not more, than climbing a 20 pitch route with a partner. It was really rewarding, and it was awesome to solo something so big in a day. 



Saturday, June 19, 2010

Lost Falls.

Yesterday was the second time I did laundry since I've been on my trip. Yea I know.. it's been almost 6 weeks. I use the employee laundry room so that way I don't have to pay for it. While I was waiting for my clothes to dry, I met this cute girl Sarah. She works in the coffee corner in curry. This is one of those friendships where you immediately get to know each other really quick. It's always cool when that happens. She said she gets off work late, but asked if I wanted to do something when she got off. 

I recently moved out of camp 4. Rangers are getting more strict, and more climbers are getting busted for staying there. If I get a ticket ($160), my trip ends. I'm sick of going to sleep stressed about getting caught. I was cooking in the orchard parking lot, and this guy Andrew that I met a few weeks ago came by and told me he had a site in upper pines and I could come stay with him for a few nights. People go to bed later in the pines campgrounds... so I was having trouble sleeping because of the loud people. Midnight came around and I got a text from Sarah. She was off work, and we were going to go on some adventure. 

She took me to the lost falls. It was about a mile bike ride, and a mile hike. It was really incredible. Even though you could only see what was in the beam of our headlamps, it was so awesome. I got back to the campground around 4:30am. I hate staying up late, but this was totally worth it. 


This was the first porcupine I have ever seen. Sweet!


I keep getting bugs on my pants, and I keep taking pictures of them. 



Up next!! I think I'm going to aid solo the west face of leaning tower in a push tomorrow. I'm really bummed because I think I have to bring two ropes to get off the thing. One extra rope adds a lot of extra time and weight. All I have is my lead rope that is now fat and most people wouldn't want to climb on it, and my heavy 11mm haul line. I was hoping there was a walk off. 

OUT

Friday, June 18, 2010

Responsibilities.

Just checked my bank account.
I've got a little less than $400 left. I've been a little lazy, and spending too much money on snickers and aid climbing gear. I figure I need to save $250 to get home. That leaves $150 for the rest of my trip. I need to go into super-dirtbag climber mode so it will last! I might get a little skinnier than I thought. Why does everything here have to be so expensive?? I think I might visit my friend Brando in Malibu on my way back.. so I probably should save a little money for that also.

I have yet to walk around the base of el cap and come back empty handed. Yesterday I found a small lantern, a nut tool, and a reverso 3.
Today I found what I have been looking for.. a cam hook!! Score! I also found a petzl fifi hook that Mark Hudon recommended.
Climbers: keep those fingers greased! I'm enjoying all your dropped gear.