I just went and got my second blood test today. I'm praying that they find something wrong. It seems like that would be an easy fix. The first test didn't reveal anything, but they are going to test my thyroid level again because of my lack of energy. I'm constantly exhausted. Constantly depressed, anxious, and stressed.
On the bright side, fall break starts tomorrow, and I'm leaving for indian creek after class.
I love the simplicity. Eat, sleep, climb. No schedule, no rules, no worrying (sort of.. that never really stops).
Over break I'm going to try and gain some control over my anxiety, and relax.
I'm realizing that I'm not like everyone else.. no matter how hard I try. I want so bad to be able to handle the stress of school. I want to take really hard classes, and be able to study really hard. I want to be normal. I don't want to be depressed, and I hate worrying so much about life.
I realize that I've been given this brain, and this body. I need to learn how to control it to its full potential.
This mental struggle has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. The persistent nagging that grinds day after day in my head is unexplainable.
After working my ass off in school. My latest physics test result.. 38%. What the fuck is that?
I'm slowly realizing that what's going on with my isn't completely my fault. It's not because I think I'm really lazy. It's not because I don't try hard enough. It's not because I don't care about school enough to do better.
Yeah, I know I'll 'get better'. Yeah, I know this 'won't last forever'. It's hard to see it though. It's hard to believe it, while I'm in the middle everything.
I will get through this.
I'm sorry about all of the depressing posts. This is my life, and my struggle. I still censor some of the things I say, but I'm trying to keep my writing as close as possible to document an accurate picture of my life.
When I was in the valley this summer, Colin and I met this guy Mark Hudon. We first met him when we were doing our nose in a day ascent while he was doing his two week solo ascent of grape race to tribal right.
Right when we got up to the boot flake and king swing section, we chatted with him a little bit, and kept on climbing as fast as we could. (He was just hanging out, reading a book on his portaledge.)
Once we got done with NIAD, rested 3 days, climbed the salathe wall in 3 days, we met him on the way down the east ledges as he was carrying all of his gear down. Pretty funny, we climbed two el cap routes in the time he did one. At the same time...... it's not that big of a deal... my friend Scott Bennett climbed 5 routes, I think...
So it turns out that Mark had done the second ascent of the Phoenix in yosemite in the 80's. This was the first 5.13 EVER (the hardest route in the U.S.), which meant that Mark had been one of the best climbers at this time.
He is now over 50 years old, and may be the oldest person to solo el cap. He is still a badass. We got to hang out with him a lot while I was there, it was awesome.
He emailed me the other day just saying what's up, and if I had any other plans for the valley this summer. My obvious answer... yes.
He just done climbing the shield on el cap. For those of you who don't know anything about it, it's long, hard, and scary. Here are a two videos where he talks about our epic suffering on the nose.
As Tom Evans says, and I will never forget, "you may love the captain, but the captain doesn't give a shit about you."